Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Can I find my true love on the net in a few days?


A:
(I'm using "he" as in "he, the partner" here: sex-neutrally.)
If you understand the question as
"Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've never met, except online?"
The answer to this is "Yes, but this someone is a figment of your imagination.
Even if your partner was absolutely honest, there are a lot of things that can't be transmitted via text or even webcams.
So of necessity, your brain supplies the missing information, and since you're looking for a partner, this information will be affirmative.
This doesn't even include simple misunderstandings.
And the simple fact that you fell in love so quickly is a good indication that he was lying.
If you like things the way they are, tell your partner you don't want a real-life relationship.
He'll either dissolve, or you can continue dreaming.
Still, there's a chance he wasn't lying and that he moreover actually corresponds to your idea of him. So check.
But don't compromise on security issues like the dating place. If necessary tell him bluntly there's no particular reason for you to trust him, or for him to trust you, since anyone can say anything on the net. Assume a worst-case scenario."

But now on to the original question:
Can I find my true love on the net in a few days?
Of course.
Actually, you may even find your true love by opening a telephone book and blindly pointing at some name, in just 5 secs!
But seriously, I think the net is great for first-stage dating, especially for shy people or people who aren't the norm.
(Dis)advantages of the net: (let's list the disadvantages first)
-slow speed and narrow scope of communication: no body language, no facial expressions,
no pheromones, no body odor, no intonation, no pronunciation,...
-unknown or sketchy outer appearance: no photos; fake, old or "corrected" photos;
Even good and true photos don't really tell you how a person REALLY looks like in real life.
-no variety in settings: you can't learn how he behaves towards other people or in different situations. You can only learn how he behaves when he's on the look-out for a partner.
-you might find your true love - but you and him live far apart, so one will need to uproot the other.
-The net facilitates lying, for reasons seen above. So you could waste a lot of time on some fake. (to facilitate = to make easier)
Advantages:
-The net facilitates lying: This means liars are likely to make some stupid mistake that will become apparent on the very first date in real life!
You COULD be wasting time on a fake - so don't. As soon as you think the person is likely "partner material" if he is honest, date him in real life.
-The net facilitates honesty/openness: especially in the anonymous stage, you can be a lot more open than you ever would on a first or even third date. Beware however of hunters for blackmail material. Don't disclose anything that could seriously hurt you..
There is no censure by society: for example if you want someone rich, you can say so.
No society-induced hypocracy unless you want it.
-Many, many more people are going to see your profile than you could ever meet with the same degree of information in real life!
This is especially important if you have uncommon demands on a relationship most wouldn't agree to or defects most wouldn't tolerate.
-Someone you've met on the net will likely be a stranger to your circle of friends, so if things don't work out, you probably will never see him again; no awkward situations at parties etc.
-Pre-Selection: the people who contact you or whom you contact ARE looking for a relationship. No need to think of some way to find out if he's available and may be interested in you, possibly harassing him or making a desparate impression.
-Rejections are a lot easier to take, since far less personal. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.


Basic rules:
- there ARE sharks roaming the net, so take care, especially if you're the trusting kind or easily intimidated or bad at defense or easily duped. Log your chats and study them. Don't go on a first date without backup precautions. Things are no different in real life except that sharks are harder to unmask there.
Still, the majority aren't sharks.
- Be serious, unless you just want to fool around. Don't joke and don't use irony unless it's obvious even to a complete stranger that it IS a joke/irony. And don't indicate something as a joke if it isn't. Tell your chat partner to do likewise.
- Study your chat logs for possible misunderstandings. Clear them up.
- read the "Tips"-section of your dating site and others for more specific and more comprehensive advice.
Regard all tips critically, including these. They are always generic of necessity, and some have commercial interests as a background.
- Don't be shy to show mistrust and don't be offended if it's shown to you, just find a mutually acceptable solution that will kill it (or at least defuse it) on both sides on the first date.

My Answer


Dating is said to be an art. Some people are in it for the intimacy and some for the romance. A relationship depends on the comparability of both people. Many can make do with a single online chat once in two days and many need phone calls after every hour.